Parrot With An Attitude
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

One Dollar

A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."

Please, traveler, why not?
If each travler visiting our sight sent One Dollar it would help...

So why not?

Print out this page... glue the address to an envelope and drop a buck... or visit our Contribution Page and Membership Page

JewishPath, Inc.
P.O. Box 5
Morrison, Colorado 80465-0005

Thanks!

JewishPath Staff

Painter Thinner
A ba'al tshuvah (newly observant) house painter was meeting with his Rebbe during the Days of Awe, and wondering how he could correct his previous misdeeds.

"Rebbe, I've done awful things as a painter. I've done sloppy jobs, used inferior quality paints and lied about it, I cut my paints with turpentine, and cut corners. How can I make up for these evil deeds that I've committed in a previous life?"

The Rebbe thought for a while, looked at the painter and then pronounced: "Repaint, Repaint, and thin no more."

A Real Mother In Law
A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each claiming ownership on him.

A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of thought, he said: "If this is the situation, you both want the groom, we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."

To this replied one woman: "If that's the case, give him to the other woman."

The rabbi said: "Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the real mother-in-law!"

The Show MUST Go On
Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one.

Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty."

The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."

Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive.

But a few minutes later, she turns around again.

"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the funeral."

Sports Repairman
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated fist in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?"

The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games....."

The Talking Parrot
A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and enquiries about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:

M: "Do you speak English?"

P: "Yes."

M: "Hablas Espanol?"

P: "Si!"

M: "Parlez vouz Francaise?"

P: "Oui!"

M: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

P: "Jawohl!"

M: "Falas Portugues?"

P: "Sim."

After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"

The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: "Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"

One Way to Raise Cash
A Lebanese Arab emigrated to America sixty years ago and accumulated great wealth. Upon his death the rich man's will stipulated that his hundred million dollar bequest was to be divided equally among his three closest friends: a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew. There was only one small provision: each of the heirs was required to deposit one hundred thousand dollars in the coffin before it was lowered into the ground. This act, according to the deceased's statement, was to prove their good faith while the will was in probate.

As the coffin was about to be closed for the last time, the Catholic quickly deposited his hundred thousand dollars into the casket. The Protestant followed suit and placed his hundred thousand dollars besides the Catholic's money. Then the Jew reached into the coffin, withdrew the two hundred thousand dollars in cash and replaced it with a check for three hundred thousand dollars.

Partners to the End
Protestant man, Bill Jones, dies. He and his partner, Yaakov Gold were well respected in the community. They had been partners for 29 years. At the funeral friends of Mr. Jones one by one came by the casket weeping, moaning and leaving $20's, $50's and $100's as they passed by. Finally from the back Mr. Gold gets up and slowly walks to the front. He carefully counts all the money on a near by table. He puts the money in his pocket, writes a check, places it carefully in the coat pocket of his old partner, closes and locks the casket. He motions for the director to have his Mr. Jones moved to the near by hearse. He then returns to his seat with the key.

Differences in Weddings

At an Orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride may be pregnant.

At a Conservative wedding, the bride may be pregnant.

At a Reform wedding, the Rabbi may be pregnant.

At a Reconstructionist wedding, the groom may be pregnant.

Outer Space Rabbi
NASA sent many many shuttles into orbit circling the earth. They attempted to include passengers of all races, color and creed.. Eventually they invited, a priest, a minister and a rabbi to orbit the earth in the shuttle...

Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their religious leaders impressions. First the priest emerged, beaming and happy, in his white robe. He made a statement regarding how wonderful it was to visit G-d's creation from space. He said, "It was totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans."

Then the minister emerged in his white suit also beaming at the peace power of creation as view from outer space. He said, "I saw the magnificent earth , our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe".

Then the Orthodox rabbi came out. He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his kappa was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine. The crowds asked him, "Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?.., creation?..., outer space?" The rabbi threw his hands in the air and said, "Vhat "ENJOY??? What was their to enjoy??? Oyoyoy! Three days of continual sun rise and setting! On with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, Mincha, Maariv, Mincha,
Maariv!...Gevalt!!!!!!"

Modern Yiddish for the Beginner
MINYASTICS: Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
FEELAWFUL: Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
JEWBILATION: Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED: Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
MATZILATION: Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BLINTZKRIEG: A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!". Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony.
BUBBEGUM: Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA: A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
DISORIYENTA: When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes..

A Future Donation
An IRS inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat. "Rabbi," he began, "I believe a member of your syagogue, Mr silverberg, stated on his income tax return that he donated $50,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"

The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."

A Clean Glass?
Two Jewish men, Mr Cohen and Mr Abrahams sit down in a smart kosher restaurant and a snooty waiter comes over to take their order.
"Sirs what can I get you?" enquires the waiter.
"A glass of orange juice," says Mr Cohen.
"A glass of orange juice for me too" says Mr Abrahams, "but please make sure the glass is clean."
The waiter stalks off in a disagreeable manner, and eventually comes back with two glasses of orange juice.
"So," he then inquires, "which one of you wanted the clean glass?"

Over Paid...

The people of Chelm were worriers. So they called a meeting to do something about the problem of worry. A motion was duly made and seconded to the effect that Yossel, the cobbler, be retained by the community as a whole, to do its worrying, and that his fee be one ruble per week.
The motion was about to carry, all speeches having been in favour, when the wife of a local sage, Yenta asked the fatal question: If Yossel earned a ruble a week, what would he have to worry about?"

Kosher.. or Rabbinic Kosher?

A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Mount Sinai....
G: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after
eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!

Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a
separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury
that dish outside....

G: Ah, do whatever you want....

One Dollar

A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."

Please, traveler, why not?
If each travler visiting our sight sent One Dollar it would help...

So why not?

Print out this page... glue the address to an envelope and drop a buck... or visit our Contribution Page and Membership Page

JewishPath, Inc.
P.O. Box 5
Morrison, Colorado 80465-0005

Thanks!

JewishPath Staff

Matchmaker... Matchcaper...
A Jewish matchmaker singing the praises of a female client, brings an eligible young man to see her. He takes one look at her and turns away to whisper to the matchmaker.
"You said she was young, and she's 50 for sure...You said she was beautiful, and she's ugly as sin. You said she was shapely, and she is big enough for two, you said...."

"You don't have to whisper," says the matchmaker, "She's also hard of hearing."

More Lone Liners

A Sarah had two chickens. One got sick, so Sarah made chicken soup to help the sick chickenget well.

Q. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A. They're worth it.

Q. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Why don't Jews drink?
A. It interferes with their suffering.

Q. Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A. Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.

A Jewish Husband's Roll

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"

Momma's Chanukah Letter

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Happy Chanukah to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday,thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren.

G-d knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Happy Chanukah,

Love, Mom

Job App
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........

NAME: Shlomo Gold

DESIRED POSITION: Whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Not enough!

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: ... that runs? No!

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I received a letter notifying me that I may be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of course.

SIGN: Scorpio with Libra rising.

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