Chassidim On Mars

In a stunning development, we have just learned that there is life on Mars -- but not the kind you would expect.

The first indication, based on the current U.S. space mission, came when the small roving vehicle called Sojourner spotted a sign on the rocky terrain of Red Planet that read, "Welcome To The Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach Now." The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists back in Houston, who had no idea what it meant.

Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed the presence of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of Lubavitch chasidim, known for their tireless efforts to reach Jews in the most remote regions, urging them to perform mitzvot.
"We've been here for some time doing our work," said a cheerful Rabbi Lou Steinwalker, captain of the spaceship "Enterprise 770", in an exclusive phone interview. When asked how long he had been on Mars and how he got there, he commented that "where there's a will, there's a way." He then excused himself, explaining that it was time for prayer and he was looking for a minyan.

In a subsequent phone call, the Rabbi noted that in recent days Yeshiva HaShamayim recently opened it's doors offering higher levels of interplanetary learning. In his conversation he expressed concern over the recent purchase of the red rocks across the street by the reform congregation for their new modern sanctuary. Following up on that information, we contacted Rabbi Uri Negev, a Reform leader in Israel, who said that when he had met secretly with the chief rabbis of Israel in Jerusalem recently, they told him that if Reform Jews wanted to pray in peace, they should go to Mars. "So we did," said Rabbi Negev, "and no one has bothered us, except the local Conservative congregation that keeps trying to borrow our membership list."

A Conservative congregation on Mars? Yes, it is true, acknowledged a leader of the Jewish Theological Seminary. "We discovered that blending Jewish law and modernity just doesn't work on earth, and we're always looking for new venues," explained Rabbi Ismore Sources. The rabbi complained bitterly of financial competition from the United Jewish Appeal-Interplanetary Division, which has been scouring Mars via satellite in search of potential donors.

Stephen Solomon, the chief executive of the charity acknowledged that highly motivated fund-raisers have been active throughout the galaxy for several light years. "We've determined through a Strategic Planet Plan that our most compelling marketing strategy is rescue," he said. "The trouble is we haven't found anyone out there to save!"

That's been a problem, as well, for Abraham Loxsmith of the Anti-Defamation League. "We are prepared to open a major branch on Mars, and we've already ordered the press releases and fax papers. But, so far, no one has defamed us." Loxsmith is considering whether the lack of defamation may be due to a form of active, even hostile, disinterest in Jews that qualifies as anti-Semitism.

All this sudden interest among Jews about Mars has motivated Malcolm Phoneline to form a new umbrella group, the Conference of Presidents of Major Martian Jewish Organizations (CPMMJO). He said the group has already received several calls from anonymous rabbium inquiring as to whether there were any Pell grants available on Mars.

Meanwhile, a number of kosher-for-Passover tours have scouted out the Red Planet as a unique alternative to places like Palm Springs and Hawaii for Jaded holiday vacationers. One tour operator noted that Rabbi Orson Vells has already been hired to conduct and broadcast the communal seders, to be called "The War Of The Words," and that space stations are under construction to transport large supplies of oxygen, horseradish and shmura matzah for the eight-day festival. "It will be out of this world," the travel expert said, "and, I assure you, very tastefully done."

In addition to that several rabbium of the interplanetary rabbinical counsel were over heard discussing the formation of a committee called Rice Require Interplanetary Congregation Equality. the committee first goal was to attract at least one Chinese restaurant to Mars before the orthodox deli opens in the fall.

Tourism might be effected adversely, though, by a late report that Palestinian authorities are claiming entitlement to 92 percent of Mars, asserting that Arab ties to the planet can be traced back to the Koran.

Attorney Wanted
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day the residents of hell were having a big party and it got a little out of hand. The Residents of heaven heard the ruckus and arrived to find their fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. They called the devil on the phone and said 'You have the fence rebuilt.'

The devil agreed. The next day the residents of heaven noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence as agreed to except he moved the fence line two feet further into heaven than before.

The resedients of heaven were angry. They called the Devil and said, 'You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!'

'Yeah? What if I don't?' replied the devil.

'We will sue you if you don't.

'Sure,' laughed the devil where are you going to find a lawyer ?

Two Nights Out
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant - a little wine, good food ... She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

Life Extention
Mr. Rabinowicz goes to the doctor for a check up. After extensive tests the doctor tells him "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."

Mr. Rabinowicz is dumbstruck. After a while he replies "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."

"Ok" says the doctor, "I'll give you a year to live."

Stranded
Three Chelmites are stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and
offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first Chelmite asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he learns to swim and swims off the island.

The second one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third Chelmite asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two, and he walks across the bridge.

Red Light "GO"!
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down. Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver.

"Listen." he says, "When you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But why on earth are you stopping at a green light?"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged: "Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light! Do you want to get us killed?"

A Little Yiddish / English
Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish he asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My goodness, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no else one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

His Brother is...
The Yaakov, the first Jew to be elected President calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections. You've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."

Mamma says, "I don't know, what would I wear?"

Yaakov says "Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

Momma reminds him, "Remember I only eat kosher food."

Yakkov responds, "Yes Mama, I am going to be the president. I can get you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?" asks Momma.

"I'll send a limo. says Yaakov. Please, just come mama."

Mamma says, "Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one giving the speech? His brother's a doctor!"

Mother-in-Law's Gift

A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetary. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness.

"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year," he responded.

Three Special Envelopes

When Benjamin Netanyahu turned over the reins of government to Ehud Barak, the public and political pundits were all quite surprised how
short the two of them met to discuss transition issues. In a recent exclusive, it was revealed what Netanyahu discussed with Barak.

It appears that Netanyahu handed Barak three envelopes, each consecutively numbered from 1 to 3. Netanyahu told Barak that Peres had
provided him with the same briefing and the same three envelopes, as had prime ministers done from the time Ben Gurion had stepped down.

"When things get tough," said Netanyahu, "open the envelope marked Number 1 and follow the instructions. If things get worse, open the
second envelope. And, when things get really impossible, open the third. Do not," emphasized Netanyahu, "open these envelopes under any
other circumstances" The envelopes were passed on to a new era of leadership and the two shook hands and took their leaves.

Barak, being an intensely curious and impatient man and one who is frequently up at all hours of the night, became rather curious as to the
contents of the envelopes opened the first. He read "Blame your predecessor." His curiosity piqued, Barak opened the second. "Blame the
Kneset." He then tore open the third. It read "Prepare three envelopes."

Feasting?

Yitzchok was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, Michael greeted him at the pearly gates.

"Hungry, Yitzchok?" Michael asked.

"I could eat," said Yitzchokr.

Michael opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Yitzchok looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, Michaek again asked Yitzchok if he were hungry, and he said, "I could eat."

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Yitzchok noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, andchocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Yitzchok said, "Michael, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Yitzchok, it doesn't pay to cook just for us." answered Michael

More Rules To Jewish living

1. Never take a front-row seat at a brisk.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
5. No meal is complete without leftovers.
6. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell.
7. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
8. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 40.

Vhat?
An elderly Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii: the husband was sure it was Havaii, but the wife maintained that it was Hawaii. As soon as they landed they asked the first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the name of this island?" "Havaii!", the man replied. "Thanks", answered the husband. "You're Velcome," the man replied.

A Job In Disguise
There was this Jew living in the slums of New York in a state of complete poverty, who was prepared to undertake any form of employment in order to feed his wife and family. Scouring newspapers and going from place to place in order to find a job, the Jew was totally unable to find anything at all. However, one day as he was walking past the circus, he saw a sign outside advertising a job and so he decided to apply. Yet he was alarmed to learn that the circus lion had recently died, and the advertised job involved dressing up and pretending to be the lion. His utter desperation resulted in his application for the job, which he was successful in attaining.

The next day, the circus opened and the Jew found himself standing for hour after hour, dressed as a lion, and in a cage - next to a large growling bear. However, tedium soon turned to utter fright, when the Jew noticed that the door connecting his cage to the giant bear was actually ajar. Feeling no braver because of his ferocious lion's outfit, the Jew began to tremble uncontrollably, as the gigantic bear pushed open the connecting door, and advanced toward him; and although not religious, the Jew could think of nothing to do, but fall to the floor and scream the words of so many famous Jewish martyrs, "Shema Yisroel, Hashem Elokeinu, Hashem Echod." To which the bear immediately responded in a Brooklyn accent "Boruch Shem K'vod Malchuso Leolam Voed."

A Last Wish
Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Now it was the Jew's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"

"Nu, so I'll wait..."

A Call From Jerusalem...
One day G-d called the Pope, and he said "I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions on earth. I have decided there will be only the one true religion".

The Pope was overjoyed and told G-d how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?".

G-d said, "the bad news is that I am calling from Jerusalem. "

A Retired Rabbi's Advice
The new Rabbi fresh from Yeshiva gave his first drash to the congregation after his first bris mila. He was so frightened that he could hardly speak. He discussed his fear with the former Rabbi by phone asking what he should do Thursday evening' drash.

The older rabbi said, 'it might help if put a little vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly'. That Thursday the young rabbi followed the suggestion and really talked up a storm. After the drash, he asked the retired rabbi how he had done. "Fine," he replied, but there were a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again

1. Next time, sip the vodka rather than gulping it down glassful after glassful.

2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.

3. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the hell out of him...

Yeshiva Togetherness
Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

The chief rabbi finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced.

Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their secret," he announced. "They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

Gan Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian Jews."

One Dollar

A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."

Please, traveler, why not?
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So why not?

Print out this page... glue the address to an envelope and drop a buck... or visit our Contribution Page and Membership Page

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Two Mischievous Brothers
In a certain Orthodox neighborhood, there were two brothers, Yaakov, 8 and Yisroel 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.

Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the rabbi to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure!"

The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the rabbi while the father kept Yisroel at home.

The rabbi sat the Yaakov down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at Yaakov and asked, "Where is Hashem?" Yaakov said nothing. Again, in a louder tone, the rabbi pointed at Yaakov and asked, "Where is Hashem?" Again Yaakov said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost in Yaakov's nose, and asked, "Where is Hashem?"

Yaakov panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

Yiosroel asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

Yaakov replied, "Hashem is missing... and they think we did it."

Avie Says...
A little boy walks up to rabbi after Shabbos service and says "When I grow up, I'm gonna give you a lot of money!".

The rabbi laughs and says "That's great, Shlomo. Why?".

The Shlomo answers "'Cause my Avie says you're the poorest rabbi we have ever had!"

A Kosher Snack?
Upon entering the nursing home he was met by the head nurse. She said Rabbi, "Mrs. Greenberg has been waiting for you all day. She was afraid you forget her."

The rabbi apologized for being so late and went on into Mrs. Greenberg's room. He sat next to her. Then he said a few words of incouragement. Then Mrs. Greenberg started to talk about her day. While he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts
next to her.

The rabbi Interupted, and asked if he could have a few of the peanuts.

She of course said yes, and continued on and on, talking about her day.

The rabbi interrupted her again and said "Mrs. Greenberg I'm sorry, I've eaten almost all your peanuts."

Mrs. Greenberg looked at him and said, "Don't worry about it at all, I can't eat peanuts, I just like to eat the chocolate off of them...."

Pray Louder Grandmother Is Hard of Hearing
Dovid and Yoel were visiting their elderly grandmother afew weeks before Hanuakkah. At bedtime, after she had said good night, the two boys knelt to say their prayers. The younger brother started praying at the top of his lungs: "AND G-D, I WANNA NEW SKATEBOARD, AND I WANNA NINTENDO, AND I WANNA--!" His big brother interrupted him, whispering "You don't have to yell! G-d's not deaf!" "Yeah," said the younger brother, "but Grandma is!"

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