Lost In The Mountains Without Vodka After several days of wondering, wrenching hunger, heat and sleeplessness, Shlomo, the American succeeds at catching a beautiful Golden Rainbow with a rod fashioned from a pine limb, line meticulously unwound from Boris, the Russian's shirt, and a hook fashioned from the necklace worn by Dovid, the Italian. Shlomo pulls the fish in and the three are
salivating in their desire to devour this gift from the creek.
The Boris grabs the fish by the tail and is about to whack it
on a rock to kill it, when the fish speaks. Stunned , Shlomo says, "Hah, if you really were a magic fish, I would wish for my wife Rivkah and me to be on a Pesach cruise off San Marina with a million bucks." POOF! Shlomo is gone with his wife to San Marina with a million bucks. Dovid and the Boris look at each other in amazement. With only a moment's hesitation, Dovid quickly blurts out, "I would like to visit with the Rebbe and receive a blessing ." POOF! Dovid is gone. Boris the Russian is standing alone in the mountains with the golden rainbow in his hands. He thinks for a moment about Russia, the hunger, standing in lines and all the problems then. The thinks about religion and about learning. He thinks, what have I enjoyed most in life? With a smile, Boris says to the fish, "Those were two really great guys. I miss them! Bring them back here and give us a cozy cabin filled with bottles of vodka."
Sabboth and Sex The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister . . . a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sunday. Not pleased with the replies, he seeks out the ultimate authority...a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.. .A rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "Sex is definitely play." The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me that sex is work?" The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
The Atheist And The Sea Monster At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" The Atheist responded "Please G-d, give me a break!!," " two minutes ago I didn't believe in sea monsters either."
A Bed Time Ladle The elder priest reading his young friends thoughts, he volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, BUT I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he may have taken it? "I doubt it," said the elderly priest . . "BUT I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take the silver gravy ladle either but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since your visit for dinner." Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest that read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper either but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, YOU would have found the silver gravy ladle by now. Sweet dreams!"
Jesus Saves The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a power faliure ocured.... After a moment, the power genarators restored power just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal
their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost
it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor.
Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse, and a dazzling application appeared
on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly
impressed and declared When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that Jesus saved.
Jesus is Watching
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again just to hear a voice boom out the warning again, "Jesus is watching you. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner,
he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the parrot. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rotweiller standing behind you Jesus."
Repeat, Repeat! Sarah said, "I wouldn't know what to say," My wife said, "Just say what you hear Mommy say," Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Oh l-rd, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Jewish Witness I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one.' 'What was that?' 'I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old.' 'Just answer the question!' yelled the D.A., 'How old are you!?' 'Kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one,' the old man replied. The judge said, 'The witness will answer the question and only the question or be held in contempt of court!' The counsel for the defense rose and asked
the judge, 'Your Honor, may I ask?' and turned towards the old
man, 'Kayn aynhoreh, how old are The old man replied, 'Eighty-one'.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius." MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you. ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn. YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Engel's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Ruth Engel." The Rabbi spoke to her at the service and said, "Aren't you Mr.Engel's daughter, little girl?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
Q. Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried
near Bloomingdale's? Q. What did the Jewish Mother bank teller
say to her customer? Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter
when she told her she had an affair? Q. What is the most common disease transmitted
by Jewish Mothers? Q. What's the difference between a Jewish
Mother and a vulture? Arthritis Rabbi Goldberg responded to the question in frustration "it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," Dovid muttered, "It says here that the famous Rabbi..... has a very serious case of arthritis."
Lines In Heaven One day there was a huge line in "Henpecked Husbands" line but only one man in the "Take Charge Husbands" line. A man in the henpecked line gathers the courage to ask the fellow how he came to be in "Take Charge Husbands" line. He responded "My wife told me to stand in this line."
Questions to Ask Your Attorney... Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Q. How do you know when your divorce is getting
ugly? Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest
lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together
when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets
it? Q. What do you call a busload of lawyers going
off a cliff with two empty seats? Q. What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom
of the sea? Q. What do you need when you've have three
lawyers up to their necks in cement? Q. What is worse than 50 lawyers screwed to
the bottom of a garbage truck? Q. Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest
stunt ? A. He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer. Q. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both
drowning which do you save? Between grand theft and a legal fee what is
there?
The Bill
One Dollar A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."
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