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Jewish Humor

 

The Funny Tale of Norm, Hi & Max

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Michigan, offices of the a notorious car maker. Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, announced, "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." The car maker looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

 

After a little cajoling, they brought the car maker outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building. Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please, step inside."

 

"What!?" shouted the tycoon. "Are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down and push the white button."

 

Intrigued, the tycoon pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!

 

"This is amazing!" exclaimed the tycoon. "How much do you want for the patent?"

 

Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to your logo."

 

"Money is no problem," the car maker said, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for awhile and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel: NORM - HI - MAX!

 

 

The Joke of the Rabbi And the Plane Design

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.

 

His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the President said, "Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for their country. You have our approval--go out and design the best jet fighter ever made."

 

Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.)

 

Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again. Beside himself with great worry, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.

 

After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, Bernie, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off.

 

Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!

Brimming with joy, Bernie went to shul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would."

 

"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"

 

"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"

 

 

Jail Time Humor
A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. I am "Born Again!" However, I still have my old nature. It was not my new nature that did wrong. It was my old nature."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old nature that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new nature was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of Thank G-d and Amen
A young man, Yaakov, is lost and walking in the desert.

 

One hot day, he spots an Oasis of a Rabbinical School. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the entrance gate and collapses.

 

A rabbi finds Yaakov and calls the school doctor who cares for his needs. Eventually the doctor nurses him back to health. Feeling better and desiring to continue on his journey, Yaakov asks the head rabbi for directions to the nearest town and if he could borrow one of the school's horses.

 

The rabbi says, "Of course you can borrow one of our horses Yaakov, just leave it in town at the local stable. They will return it. Also, there is a special thing about our horses at this school. You have to say `Thank G-d' to make them go and `Amen' to make them stop."

 

Not paying much attention,Yaakov says, "Sure, OK."

 

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank G-d" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank G-d, thank G-d," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, Yaakov says, "Thank G-d" again and again until the horse just takes off. Pretty soon, Yaakov sees a cliff coming up and he does everything he can to make the horse stop.

 

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally remembering what the head rabbi said, he shouts, "Amen!!" The horse stops four inches from the edge of the cliff. Yaakov wipes his brow, leans back in the saddle, takes a deep breath of air thinking, "That was a close one!" Then he says, "Thank G-d!"

 

 

The Great Laugh, Religions - Religions
One day G-d called the Pope, and He said, "I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions on earth. I have decided there will be only the one true religion."

 

The Pope was overjoyed and told G-d how wise His decision was, then asked, "What's the bad news?".

G-d said, "The bad news is that I am calling from Jerusalem."

 

 

The Joke of The Pilot's Wish
Thirteen rabbium were on a flight from New York to Jerusalem when the super jet they were flying on experienced a very great storm. One of the rabbium called the stewardess with the intention of calming her nerves. He said, "Tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard the jet."

 

A little later the stewardess returned from the cockpit with a message from the pilot to the head rabbi. "He said he was glad to know that we have 13 holy men aboard this super jet but he would rather have just one good engine."

 

 

The Funny Tale Of Yes, I Read The Parsha
The shul Rav told his congregation, "Next Shabbos I plan to speak about lying. To help everyone better understand my drash please read all 66 verses on the story of Lavon in Genesis chapter 33."

 

The following Shabbos, as the Rav prepared to give his drash, he asked for a show of hands from his congregation on how many members had read all 66 verses of Genesis 33. Almost every hand went up. He smiled and said, "Genesis Chapter 33 has only 54 verses. Now, let us get on with the discussion of the sin of lying."

 

 

The Humor Of Just One Good Deed...
A man tries to enter Heaven but is stopped by the Angel who keeps the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that it is not easy to get into Heaven. There is a certain criterion to be met before entry is allowed.

The Angel asks the man several questions.

Was he religious in life?
He answers, "No!"
Did he attend shul on Shabbos and Yom Tovim?
He answers, "No!"
Did he give Tzedakah to the poor?
He answers, "No!"
Did he do any good deeds while on earth?
He answers, "No!"
Did he help his neighbor?
He answers, "No!"
The Angel says, "Not good! Not good at all!"

 

In exasperation the Angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

 

The man says, "There was this little old lady who was surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels when I came out of the drugstore. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was; and then I spit in his face."

 

"Wow", says the Angel, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

 

"Oh, about ten minutes ago," replied the man.

A One Dollar Bill Tells A Humorous Tale

A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

 

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

 

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, contribution to 15th Street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave accordian player, pushke..."

 

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The Good Laugh Of Heaven's Entrance Test
A man dies and goes to heaven but before he can enter he is stopped by the Angel who guards the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that it is not easy to get into Heaven! There is a certain criterion to be met before entry is allowed.

 

The Angel says, "Before I can let you enter you have to pass an admittance test."

So the man says to the Angel, "What kind of a test?"

The Angel says, "You have to spell a word."
The man says "OK! "What's the word?"

The Angel says "Love." So the man spells love, l-o-v-e.
The Angel says, "Very Good. You may now enter."

The man tells the Angel that his lawyer should be arriving soon and kindly requests that the Angel give him the word "Czechoslovakia!"

 

 

The Joke Of The Gate Guard...
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when an Angel asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked, "Could I help?"

 

The old man said in a shaky voice, "Yes! I'm looking for my son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people in Heaven.

The old man continued, "I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet,"
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

 

 

The Funny Tale of The Three Questions
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

 

 

The Humor Of The Jewish Genie...
Yaakov was walking on the beach and noticed an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it. A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said, "Gee thanks, Yaakov!! I've been locked in this bottle for over 200 years!! Just for that I'll grant you three wishes. However, I have to warn you that what you get your lawyer will get double."

 

Yaakov thought for awhile, then said, "For my first wish I'd like one hundred million gold coins."

The genie said, "Okay. But remember, your lawyer will get two hundred million gold coins."
Yaakov said, "That's okay."

Then the genie granted Yaakov's wish. Poof! There right in front of him was a hundred million gold coins.

Then Yaakov said, "For my second wish I would like a fifty acre ranch on the French Riviera with a thirty room home overlooking the bluffs into the ocean.

The genie said, "Okay, but remember, your lawyer will be next door with twice the acreage and in a house twice as large and he likes to party 24 hours a day."

Yaakov said, "I think I can live with that."

Then the genie granted Yaakov's wish. Poof! Right there he was, on the French Riviera and next door was his attorney just as the genie had said.

 

So the genie said, "For your third wish you'd better think long and hard."

So after thinking it over Yaakov said, "Could you please scare me half to death?"

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