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Jewish Humor

 

The Haircut Joke

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Torah more, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

 

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Torah diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...." To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

 

 

The Funny Tale Of...Obsessed

A young Jewish man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother.... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

 

The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

 

 

The Humor Of The Two Shirts

A Jewish mother is worrying day in and day out about her poor son, far away in college: "Oivey, will he ever find a nice girl,... will he have enough to eat,...will he be cold at night?" While worrying she decides to at least buy and send him two warm flannel shirts.

 

A couple of months later he travels back to New York to see his mother. After many hours in a bus he arrives erev Shabat at her door and thinks, "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Surely this will make her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens the door.

 

"Jankel!"

"Mammele!"

"Jankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you even wear one of the shirts I sent you! But tell me one thing: You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of The RAM

Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows '95. Isaac's incredulous. "Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows '95 on your old, slow 386! Everybody knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order tomultitask effectively with Windows '95."

 

But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, "G-d will provide the RAM, my son."

 

 

A One Dollar Bill Tells A Humorous Tale
A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

 

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

 

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to shul pushke, contribution to church, contribution to 15th Street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave. accordian player, pushke..."

 

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The Good Laugh Of The Pesach Guests

Yitzchok makes a call from his home in Florida to his son in New York and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Emah."

 

Benny is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

 

"But Avie, you just can't decide to divorce Emah just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

 

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

 

"But where's Emah? Can I talk to her?"

 

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

 

"Avie, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

 

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

 

A half hour later, Isaac receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

 

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

 

Yitzchok promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Yitzchok turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"

 

 

The Locked Car Joke

A Yid locked himself out of his car on a hot summer day. He looked through the garbage and found a wire hanger. He went back to his car to try to open the lock.

 

He shoved the wire through the slightly open window with his wife telling him,"Yitzchok, move it more to the right...more to the left...Higher! Lower!"

 

Finally his wife said, "What's taking you so long?"

 

To which Yitzchok replied, "It's easy for you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"

 

 

The Funny Tale Of The Red Phone
The Reverend Billy Graham visited the Pontiff, his holiness in Rome. Upon arriving he was ushered into a special room prepared just for his visit. As he sat waiting he noticed a special RED PHONE sitting in the center of the room on a marble stand.

 

When the Pope arrived to greet Reverend Graham, he commented, "That phone is unique. What do you use it for?"

 

The Pope responded, "I talk to G-d on that phone. It's a special direct line."

 

"Really!" gasped Reverend Graham. "How much does a call cost?"

 

"Well, it's about $20,000 a minute, but well worth every penny of it!" answered the Pope.

 

A Year later, Reverend. Graham went to see Rabbi Goldstein in Jerusalem. Again he noticed a RED

PHONE on a marble stand but didn't say anything.

 

Later that day he visited the Prime Minister of Israel. Upon arriving he was directed right into the Prime Minister's office. When he entered the room the Prime Minister was speaking on his RED PHONE sitting on a marble stand. Immediately, Reverend Graham knew he was speaking with G-d, being aquainted with Jewish phrases used to address the Holy One. After about fifty minutes the conversation concluded.

 

Graham responded, "By estimation that call cost about a million dollars."

"Not here," replied the Prime Mininster. "Talking to G-d is a local call for us."

 

 

Hotel Restriction Humor
Rivkah Green from Denver decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920's. Upon arriving she attempted to check her baggage and settle into a quality hotel.

 

The concierge told her, "Sorry, there's no vacancy."

 

Just then, a man and his wife suddenly checked out.

Rivkah exclaimed, "Thank G-d! You now have a room."

"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "This hotel is restricted."

"And what does that mean?" she asked him.

"Jews aren't allowed here!"

"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" Rivkah shot back.

"I know you are!"

"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.

"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did G-d have a son?"

"Sure."

"What was his name?"

"Jesus."

"And where was he born?"

"In Bethlehem, in a stable."

"And WHY was he born there?"

"Because a shmuck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of A Bad Egg

A rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.

 

One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.

 

When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.

 

She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........

 

He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad seremons? That's not bad."

 

His wife continued, "......and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."

 

 

The Good Laugh Of The Religious Bear

Didja hear the Yom Kippur story about the frum yid taking a walk in the deep woods of Maine?

 

As he was walking along, he stumbled and his kipah fell off. He bent over to pick it up. As he stood up he noticed a bear standing right in front of him.

 

The guy was just shocked. He quickly put the kipah back on his head and, believing his end near, began reciting the Shema.

 

The bear saw the kippah and heard the prayer--and lo and behold! -- the bear put a kipah on his head too! Then the bear began to pray. Seeing the bear davening, the poor Yd breathed a small sigh of relief and
began to bentch gomel.

 

He finished just in time to hear the bear utter the last words of the bear's prayer -- hamotzi lekhem min ha-aretz.*

(*the blessing that is said before meals)

 

 

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