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Jewish Humor

 

Goldstein's Joke Nails

Mr. Goldstein runs a factory which produces NAILS. He is getting on in years, and decides that he wants to take his wife to Israel for a trip. So he speaks to his son Moishe, "I want to take your mother for a trip to Israel for a few months--will you look after the factory for me?"

 

"Not a problem," says Moishe.

 

Off go Goldstein and his wife, and they have the most wonderful trip to Israel. On their return, Goldstein is very anxious to find out how things went at the business, so he phones Moishe and they make arrangements to meet at the factory.

 

"Well," says the father, "how did the business go while I was away?"

 

Moishe goes to the drawer and brings out the books. "No problems," says Moishe, and he opens up the books for his father. And guess what--Moishe had tripled the sales.

 

Mr. Goldstein is absolutely overjoyed and asks his son, "How did you achieve this result?"

 

Moishe answers that it was just too easy. He goes to another drawer and brings out a poster of Jesus on the cross, and underneath is written in big letters, WE USED GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.

 

Well, the father is horrified-- "How could you do this to me?! You know that I am president of the local U.J.A., I sit on the board of the Keren Kayemeth--your Mother is president of her Hadassah Group--I want you should never embarrass me like this again!"

 

Moishe apologizes and promises that it won't happen again.

 

A year later, Goldstein has the urge again to visit Israel. So, he again asks Moishe to look after the factory while he and Mrs. Goldstein make the trip. "Not a problem," says Moishe. Well, off they go, and they have a very enjoyable time, covering the country from north to south, east to west, and when eventually they return home, Mr. Goldstein again phones Moishe to meet him in the factory and go over the figures. They meet at the appointed time, and Moishe again brings out the books to show his dad the figures. Guess what--again he has tripled the figures. Well, Mr. Goldstein is absolutely delighted, and just a little bewildered.

 

"Moishe, the last time you tripled the figures, but this time again you tripled THOSE figures. Tell me, how did you achieve such a result?"

 

"Dead easy," replies Moishe. He goes to the drawer, and brings out a poster of Jesus lying on the ground. And below, in big lettering is printed, WE DID NOT USE GOLDSTEIN'S NAILS.

 

 

The Funny Tale Of The Strawberries
A farmer was fertilizing his strawberries in his field which was next to an insane asylum.

 

One of the nmates who was was standing near the fence watching him asked, "What are you doing?"

 

The farmer replied, "I'm putting manure on my strawberries."

 

The inmate commented, "That's strange! We put cream and sugar on ours and people call us crazy."

 

 

Patient Information Humor
A little old Jewish woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. When the receptionist answered, "Mount Sinai Hospital" she said, "Hello, darling. I'd like to talk with the person at patient information. I need to know how a patient is doing."

 

The receptionist said, "Please hold while I transfer your call."

 

A voice answered, "Patient information, can I help you?"

 

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know how Sarah Finkel in Room 302 is doing."

 

"Let's see, Finkel... Finkel... Let me see... Farber, Feinberg -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home tomorrow at twelve o'clock."

 

The little Jewish woman said, "Thank G-d! That's wonderful! I'm going home tomorrow...."

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of The Wonderful Phone Number
Lola Starling of Rubric, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand new $10 million Rubric Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Lola. From the moment the motel opened, Lola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

 

Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible.

 

After her pleas fell on deaf ears...this is how Lola dealt with the matter:

 

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asking for a room for the following Tuesday. Lola said, "No problem. How many nights?"

 

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Lola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No,that won't be necessary," Lola said. "We trust you."

 

The next day was a busy one for Lola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

 

She turned on her answering machine during lunch so that she could watch television, but her biggest challenge to date came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Lola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Lola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." Within a few months, the Rubric Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and all were told there were no such events.

 

 

A Good Laugh: Just Bless it!
A Jewish man moves into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday afternoon, the Catholics practically go crazy -- because while they're eating only fish, the Jew is in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones, "Born a Jew......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic."

 

The Catholics are ecstatic; no more delicious, but maddening, smells every Friday afternoon! But come the next Friday, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to *remind* him of his new diet. They find him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipping in water. He sprinkles water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish!"

 

The Mirror Joke
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were applying their lipstick then they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. This was obviously causing problems for the custodial staff so the principal called a meeting with several girls from each class to discuss the problem. The meeting was held in one of the ladies bathrooms. The principal explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodial staff who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked a custodian to clean one of the mirrors as the girls watched. He took out a long-handled squeegee went to the nearest toilet dipped it then placed it on the mirror and began to clean it....

 

 

The Funny Tale Of The Hearing Test
An older gentleman was concerned about his wife's hearing. He decided to test it without telling her.

 

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, "Honey can you hear me?"

No response..

 

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, "Honey can you hear me?" Still no response...

 

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice asking, "Honey can you hear me?"

 

His wife put the paper down and turned towards him saying, "Yakkov, I said 'Yes' three times!"

 

 

The Housekeeper's Sense Of Humor
Just after Mary, the family housekeeper of five years had been released, she angrily took five bucks from

her purse and threw it to Raisin, the family pet. When asked why she did this by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was to thank Raisin for help in cleaning the dishes."

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of $hlomo And His Father NOach
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on
$hlomo

 

The Reply:

 

Dear Shlomo,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love your father,
NOach

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of The Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, Welcome To The "Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we
trace your call.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

 

Laugh With "Saddle Up"
A cop pulled a car over and informed the driver he {the cop} had just entered him {the driver} in a contest called "Saddle Up" which encourages drivers to wear seatbelts. The cop explained that if he won he would receive $50,000.00 but he would receive at least $5,000.00 as a runner up.

 

"What are you going to do with the money?" the cop asked.

"Well," the driver responded, "I guess I'm going to get a driver's license."

 

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

 

Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

 

At that moment there was a pounding from the trunk and a
voice saying, "Have we crossed the border yet?"

 

 

The Three Opinions Joke
Three buddies, Dovid, Shlomo and Yaakov die in a car crash, G-d forbid. But they were good Jews so they go to Heaven and are ushered into Heaven's orientation.

 

They are each asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

 

Dovid says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

 

Shlomo says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

 

Yaakov replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!!"

 

 

The Funny Tale Of The Good Husband
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

 

"Sidney thought of everything", she told her friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes."

 

"Tillie," he told me, "I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace."

 

"What was in the envelopes?" Tillie's friends asked.

 

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

 

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva."

 

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

 

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring. "So," said Tillie, "You like my stone?"

 

 

The Humor Of Intelligence

Two construction workers are in the field digging a hole on an extremely hot day while the boss oversees under the comfort of a giant oak tree.

 

One worker says to the other, "How come we do all the work and he sits under the giant oak in the shade and gets most of the money?" as he pointed to the boss.

 

The other guy says, "I don't know, go ask him."

 

So the first worker climbs out of the hole and goes up to the boss and says, "Hey, how come we do all the work and you sit under the giant oak in the shade and gets most of the money?"

 

The boss says, "Intelligence."

 

The first worker says, "Whats that?"

 

The boss puts his hand on a tree and says "Hit my hand as hard as you can!"

 

The first worker takes a big swing and with all his might tries to hit the boss' hand. Just as he almost does, the boss pulls his hand away and he hits the tree really hard!

 

The boss says, "That's intelligence."

 

Still smarting, the first worker returns to his coworker.

 

His coworker says, "What did he say?"

 

The first worker says, "The boss said, 'Intelligence.'"

 

The coworker asks, "What's that?"

 

The first worker places his hand in front of his own face and says with a sheepish look, "Hit my hand as hard as you can. . ."

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of Nines and Sixes
A small time counterfeiter made a mistake when printing up some counterfeit twenty dollar bills. He had been drinking with his partners and not paying attention to business. In the morning when they sobered up they realized they had printed $18.00 dollar bills by mistake. They decided the best place to pass off these phony $18 bills was in some small hick town.

 

So, the counterfeiters got into one of their new cars and sped off in search of a small hick town. Eventually they came to a tiny town with a single store. They entered the store and handed one of the bogus $18 bills to the man behind the counter asking, "Can you change this for us, please?"

 

The clerk looked at the $18 bill and responded, "Sure, do you want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

 

 

A Good Laugh At The Bar
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him he owes $4.

 

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

 

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did."

 

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

 

This person then races in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The bartender replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

 

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. His friend hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

The Humorous Tale Of The Dollar

A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave accordian player, pushke..."

 

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The Brunch Joke
A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. Upon arriving they found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to the United States to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were
bringing the Bagels and the Lox."

 

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