Genesis 25 – F.A.R. Family Acrimony Rancor
F.A.R. is an acronym that defines families with serious problems. F.A.R. fractures lovingkindness and family togetherness. Family Acrimony and Rancor does not discriminate!
Acrimony delineates animus, sharp, bitter behavior exhibited by one or more family members towards another family member like Esau/Edom showed towards his brother Jacob. (Genesis 25.22) says, ‘The children struggled/agitated within [Rebekah’s] womb.’ Our sages state that when Rebekah passed the doorways of Torah Study at the school of Shem and Ever, Jacob rushed to come out. When she passed houses of idol worship, Esau rushed to come out. Imagine how odd that was. Rebekah spoke with other mothers who had not experienced such a peculiar pregnancy. Rebekah was perplexed, so she consulted with the Prophet Shem. (Genesis 25.22) says, ‘She went to inquire of the Lord’. She learned that two distinct nations were battling within her womb. One was righteous and the other evil. One was separated to the Lord, i.e., born circumcised. One son [Jacob] studied Ha Torah and tried to observe the Mitzvot / Observances. The other son [Esau] was wrapped in self-indulgence, gratification, power, and control. She learned the elder son would serve the younger. When they fought, Rebekah spoke aloud to her sons, ‘Why are you fighting with your brother?’
(Genesis 27.41) says, ‘Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing with which his father blessed him, and Esau said in his heart When the days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I slay my brother Jacob.’
Rancor is a long-lasting bitter deep-seated ill will, resentment, animosity, vindictiveness, hatred, and grudge by one or more family members towards another family member like Esau had for Jacob. (Genesis 27.43) informs us that Rebekah said to Jacob, ‘My son, obey my voice; and arise, flee to Laban my brother to Haran; and remain with him a few days, until your brother’s fury turns away.’ The problem is that Esau’s anger never turned away. Thirty-six years later, Esau’s anger still burned hot. (Genesis 32.7) says, ‘the Messengers / Angels returned to Jacob, saying, “We came to your brother Esau, [and guess what] he is coming to meet you with four hundred men.” Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed!’ Hundreds of years later, the nation Edom refused to let Israel pass through their land. (Numbers 20.16 – 21) says, ‘And when we cried to the Lord, He heard our voice, and sent an angel, and has brought us out of Egypt; and, behold, we are in Kadesh, a city on the edge of your border; Please Let us pass through your country. We will not pass through the fields, or through the vineyards, nor will we drink of the water of the wells; we will go by the king’s high way, we will not turn to the right hand nor the left until we have passed your borders. Edom said to him, ‘You shall not pass by me, lest I come out against you with the sword.’ And the people of Israel said to him; We will go by the highway; if I and my cattle drink of your water, I will pay for it; I will do you no injury, only pass through by foot. And he said. You shall not go through. And Edom came out against him with many people and with a strong hand. Thus Edom refused to give Israel passage through his border; wherefore, Israel turned away from him.’ Study Partners that is rancor.
The history between Israel and Esau is sad. Righteous grandparents and parents raised both, yet Ha Torah informs us Esau and his descendants had Family Acrimony and Rancor towards Israel and his descendants. Jacob and Esau attended the Academy of Shem and Ever. They lived in a righteous environment surrounded by holy people. Yet, Family Acrimony and Rancor found a place to root, exist, and grow in Esau. Our Sages teach that Abraham died just before Esau sold out to wickedness. On the day Abraham died, Jacob was cooking red lentils, one of the foods prepared for mourners. Ha Torah informs us that Esau came in from the field. We learn from specific Words in (Genesis 25.31 – 34). (Bava Basra 16b) says, that the very day Abraham died Esau committed five sins. He dishonored a betrothed maiden, committed murder, denied God, denied the resurrection of the dead, and spurned his birthright. (Genesis 15.15) shares The Lord’s promise to Abraham, saying, ‘And you shall go to your fathers in peace; [means Abraham’s father Terach returned to God. He repented.] AND you shall be buried in a good old age.’ [means Ishmael would repent before Abraham died, and Esau would not turn to wickedness during Abraham’s lifetime. Abraham would have lived to 180 if Esau had remained righteous. Instead, he died in peace at 175 years of age.] We learn that repentance and forgiveness are necessary for our body to rest in peace and for our soul to return to God who gave it. Rabbi Meir Zlotowitz and Rabbi Nosson Scherman, The Artscroll Tanach Series – Bereishis Vol. I (a) (Brooklyn, New York: Mesorah Publications, Ltd. 3rd Impression, 1989), p 538 – 531
When righteous sinners harbor a grudge, attitudes of superiority or arrogance, they need to repent. (Proverbs 28.13) says, ‘He / She who covers his / her sins shall not prosper; but whoever confesses and forsakes [their sins] shall have mercy.’ Dear Ones holding onto Family Acrimony and Rancor are grave sins that require repentance and forgiveness if you plan on making Heaven your home!
To help us better understand, let us consider Sarah, Hagar, Ishmael, and Isaac. It is good to be mindful of their close ties. Sarah was the mother of Isaac and the stepmother of Ishmael. Hagar was the mother of Ishmael and the stepmother of Isaac. Also, it is essential to be aware of their separations. (Sanhedrin 21a) states, ‘Wives have a Kethubah [Prenuptial agreement, A legal document defining the husband legal binding obligations during the marriage, after marriage, and if widowed. A Kethubah may also include stipulations agreed to by the husband and wife, their representatives, agents, local customs, estate, property, business, children, et cetera. The Betrothal, i.e., the formal engagement to be married, is included. A concubine does not have a Kethubah or a Betrothal.
Given the uniqueness of their home and work environment, Family Acrimony and Rancor could easily find a place to root, exist, and grow. It did for a brief time.
Hagar struggled in her relationship with Sarah. She was gifted from the king’s palace in Egypt to a wealthy nomad’s wife as her servant. That was shocking for Hagar! There was difficulty between them. After ten years, Sarah did not give Abraham children, so according to the custom of the land, she gave her husband a new wife, Hagar. Hagar conceives soon after the marriage. Sarah realizes that she is the one that cannot conceive. Sarah is hurt and angry. Hagar taunts her pregnancy in front of Sarah. The master-servant relationship progressively deteriorates. Hagar runs away and then returns after divine revelation. The stress between them comes to a halt when Ishmael throws javelins around Isaac when he is playing. Sarah demands that Hagar and Ishmael be removed. Sarah said to Abraham, ‘Cast out this slave and her son; for the son of this slave shall not be heir with my son, with Isaac.’ Sarah reminded Abraham of their contractual agreement, which she had already abided by in giving Abraham Hagar as a concubine wife to have children.
How did it feel to Hagar and Ishmael to learn that the daughter of an Egyptian princess’, i.e., Hagar and her son, would not inherit Abraham’s great wealth and power? (Genesis 25.5) says, ‘Abraham gave all that he had to Isaac.’ That was well known before the birth of Isaac. (Genesis 17.21) The Lord said, ‘My covenant will I establish with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this set time in the next year.’ Abraham and Sarah connected on Rosh HaShannah. Sarah became pregnant, carrying Isaac for seven months and giving birth on Passover 2048 From Creation. The Lord God Kept His promise that Abraham and Sarah would have a son, as written in (Genesis 15.1 – 5 and 18.10 – 14.)
Ha Torah did not inform us of Hagar’s thoughts when she learned that Sarah would have a son. Yet, it was revealed in Ishmael’s actions.
(Genesis 21.8 – 14) says, ‘And the child grew and was weaned, and Abraham made a great feast the same day that Isaac was weaned. And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, whom she had born to Abraham, mocking, i.e., Ishmael throws javelins around Isaac when he is playing. And she said to Abraham, Cast out this slave and her son; for the son of this slave shall not be heir with my son, with Isaac. And the thing was very grievous in Abraham’s sight because of his son. And God said to Abraham, Let it not be grievous in your sight because of the lad and your slave; in all that Sarah has said to you, listen to her voice; for in Isaac shall your seed be called. And also of the son of the slave will I make a nation because he is your seed. And Abraham rose early in the morning, took bread and a bottle of water, gave it to Hagar, put it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away; and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.’
When Abraham sent Hagar out with nothing more than a loaf of bread and a pouch of water, he was listening to Sarah. Abraham had the means to provide more for Hagar and Ishmael, but he could not. He would have liked to have given them camels and servants and provided them with a lovely place to live, but he could not.
Hagar lost her spiritual way for a short time. Then, after she had a powerful spiritual encounter in the wilderness of Beersheba, she returned to the God of Abraham. (Genesis 21.19) says,’ And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad to drink. God was with the lad, and he grew. He lived in the wilderness and became an archer. And he lived in the wilderness of Paran, and his mother took a wife for him from the land of Egypt.’ Abraham and Hagar did not divorce. Hagar remained isolated from other men. She learned and Observed the Mitzvot of Ha Torah. She sent Ishmael back to Abraham, where he learned Ha Torah and became an honorable attendant in Abraham’s home.
How do we know that Abraham instructed both Isaac and Ishmael? (Genesis 18.19) [the Lord] says, ‘For I know [Abraham], that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the Way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which He has spoken of him.’ Ha Torah does not say, child. Ha Torah Says, children. That means more than one child. Ishmael was part of Abraham’s household that received instruction in Ha Torah.
When Holy Scripture says, ‘Abraham kept the Way of the Lord’ that means Abraham guarded the Observances in The Holy Scriptures. There are 613 Observances in The Holy Scriptures. Not all apply to each of us. Abraham kept those that applied to him. He carefully followed what The Lord God Commanded. He was meticulous with the Observances that applied to him. Abraham was honest, judged situations fairly, and did not deviate. He stayed on the path of The Lord. Abraham did not wander or stray. He taught his children and those living with him to follow Ha Torah’s Observances that applied to them. Following the Observances of Ha Torah worked for Abraham and will also work for us. First, we must learn what the Observances are and then apply them to our lives.
We can use this real-life struggle between Sarah and Hagar and between Ishmael and Isaac as a guide to rising above family acrimony and rancor. We cannot change present or past relatives who are mean to us, unloving, and continually cling to past mistakes and reject us. Notice that Hagar became beautiful, and Ishmael, the older half-brother, honored Isaac. Ishmael set aside his honor to exalt Isaac. Both Keturah and Ishmael were humble and contrite. Both were invited back to be a part of Abraham’s life in his household. When individuals reverse improper actions such as Hagar and Ishmael did, they should be invited back. They should be welcomed with open arms. How do we know they made amends? (Genesis 25.1) says, ‘Then again Abraham took [Hagar] as a wife, and her name became Keturah.’
(Genesis 22.3) says, ‘And Abraham rose early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, [Ishmael and Eliezer] along with Isaac, his son, and broke the wood for the burnt offering, and rose, and went to the place of which God had told him.’ Rabbi Meir Zlotowitz and Rabbi Nosson Scherman, The Artscroll Tanach Series – Bereishis Vol. I (a) (Brooklyn, New York: Mesorah Publications, Ltd. 3rd Impression, 1989), p 790
(Genesis 25.9) says, ‘[Abraham’s] sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah, in the field of Ephron the son of Zohar the Hittite, which is before Mamre; The field which Abraham purchased from the Hittites; there was Abraham buried, and Sarah, his wife.’
(Psalms 86) reminds us of David’s struggle with family members. ‘For you, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive; and of bountiful love toward all those who call upon you.’ David continued, ‘For great is Your lovingkindness toward me, and you have saved my soul from the depths of Sheol. Ooh God, the arrogant have risen against me, and the assembly of violent men has sought after my soul; and have not set you before them. But you, Ooh Lord, are a God full of compassion, gracious, long-suffering, and bountiful in loving kindness and truth. Ooh, turn to me, and have mercy upon me; give your strength to your servant, and save the son of your maidservant. Show me a sign for good; they who hate me may see it and be ashamed; because you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.’
(Michah 7.18 – 20) says, ‘Who is a God like you, who pardons iniquity, and passes over the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? He does not retain his anger for ever, because he delights in mercy. He will again have compassion upon us; he will suppress our iniquities; and you will cast all their sins into the depths of the sea. You will show truth to Jacob, and loving mercy to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers from the days of old.’
On the other hand, when relatives continue in the same deceitful pattern and use the same mean tactics as in the past, they cannot be welcomed back. They remain bogged down with the same issues as in the past. Nothing has changed except time.
We can face similar challenges as mentioned in this study by being insightful like Hagar and Ishmael. We can rise to their mystical level of looking beyond the present to the future. Old scars can heal, and hurting will be released. Faults, guilt, and grudges will dissolve. We can look ahead to a day when lovingkindness, forgiveness, lasting peace, and harmony flourish. We can and MUST make a difference! We must do our best to be the Jews that the Lord God has commissioned us to be. We MUST NOT fail in this challenge!
Good Sabbath, Blessings Simcha, and Shalom Biet.
Dr. Akiva Gamliel Belk
