30 Marriage Is Complicated
Dear family and friends, we are in the early stages of learning why marriage is complicated. Something causes a marriage to be more difficult, confusing, and complex. Genesis Chapter 30 defines what marriage is NOT! Jacob’s love/hate relationship with his first wife, Leah, was NOT good! Ha Torah informs us that Laban, Leah, and Rachel conspired to trick Jacob. They excused their deception by stating the younger daughter could not marry before the older daughter. Jacob was aware of that custom and made a plan to circumvent it. He gave a password to Rachel, who then shared it with her sister, Leah because she did not want her to be humiliated. When Jacob asked for the password, Leah gave it, and the ceremony continued. (Genesis 29.23) says, ‘And it came to pass that in the morning, behold, it was Leah; and he said to Laban, What is this that you have done to me? Did I not serve you [seven years] for Rachel? Why have you deceived me? And Laban said marrying the younger before the older are not permitted in our country. Complete Leah’s week, and we will give you Rachel if you [agree to] serve me another seven years. Jacob was a prophet; he did not enter the agreement with Laban blindly. He prepared what He thought was an adequate plan to prevent deception. And still, after all his planning, they tricked him. (Bereisheit Raba 63.4) states that Rebekah’s father, king Bethuel of Pandan – Aram was a rogue. Her brother, Laban, was a rogue. How do we know that? (Genesis 28.5) says,’ And Isaac sent Jacob away; and he went to Padan-Aram to Laban, son of Bethuel the Aramean, the brother of Rebekah, Jacob’s and Esau’s mother. Arami / Aramean may be transposed to [Ram’ai – meaning a man that is a cheat, dishonest and unprincipled. The people in their community were also rogues. Yet, the righteous women, i.e., Milcah, Rebekah, Leah, and Rachel, each blossomed from among them. They are to be compared to ‘A lily among thorns’ (Shir Hashirim 2.2).
Understandably, Jacob was angry. Leah took the heat, receiving much of the blame. Initially, she was supposed to marry wicked Esau, but she prayed and pleaded, and The Lord Heard her prayer. To a degree, it was like she thrust herself upon Jacob. So it is not a surprise when we read,’ Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah’ (Genesis 29.30). Leah’s pain and suffering did not go unnoticed. She was mistreated! She was forced to compete with her sister for Jacob’s love and affection.
Jacob was forced to serve seven more years for the wife; he did not agree to marry. He was stuck in a relationship he did not agree to. The wife that he did not love bore him children. The wife he loved could not conceive. Marriage was really upside down for Jacob. Laban was dishonest and a challenging boss with an attitude that significantly contributed to Jacob’s marital problems.
(Genesis 30.1 – 2) says, ‘And when Rachel saw that she did not bear Jacob’s children, Rachel envied her sister; and said to Jacob, Give me children, or else I die. Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel, and he said, ‘Am I in God’s place, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?’ Is it any wonder Rachel felt resentful and sounded off to Jacob about what bothered her? Even though Jacob loved Rachel, His answer was harsh and insensitive. Jacob was not kind or comforting in Rachel’s time of need. Isn’t one of the purposes of marriage to be there for your mate during times of worry, anxiety, and fear? Offering support and encouragement is very important. Why was Jacob so angry with Rachel? Jacob’s response echoed, this is not my problem, Rachel; it’s yours. Don’t bother me!! Jacob’s approach and attitude are alarming. Is anyone troubled by Jacob’s response? In her humiliated, depressed state of mind, Rachel gives her handmaiden, Bilhah, to Jacob.
Bilhah conceives two sons, Dan and Naphtali. Instead of standing with his wife in prayer like Isaac, his father Jacob deserts his wife for Rachel’s handmaiden. Rachel gave her handmaiden to Jacob because Leah and Rachel competed. (Genesis 30.8) shares Rachel’s comments, ‘With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed, and she called his name Naphtali.’ (Genesis 30.) informs us, ‘When Leah saw that she had ceased bearing, she took Zilpah, her handmaid, and gave her for a wife to Jacob. And Zilpah Leah’s maid bears Jacob, a son. And Leah said,Fortune has come [to me], and she called his name Gad. And Zilpah, Leah’s maid, bore Jacob a second son. And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed, and she called his name Asher.’
When we read the historical story of Leah’s oldest son Ruben and his hand-picked mandrakes, we see a woman using childbirth to hold onto her man. Jacob’s wives and children experienced an unhealthy marital climate. The relationship between Jacob and his wives was twisted! A wife should desire to stay with her husband because he is a kind, loving, caring, and God-fearing man! (Genesis 30) shares the struggles of Jacob as a husband and the sisters, Leah and Rachel, who were pushing each other’s buttons. Yet these are the lives of our patriarchs and matriarchs.
Let’s define their differences. Leah was a prayerful woman, wife, and mother who desired more of her husband’s warmth, tenderness, and lovingkindness. Yet, Jacob did not fall head over heels for her. Leah was a victim of Rachel’s beauty, charm, and shape. Rachel is under pressure because the window of opportunity for children is quickly closing. She knew that either Esau or Jacob would have 12 sons that would form the nation of Israel. Leah had six sons, Bilhah had two sons, and Zilpah had two sons. Rachel has no children. Even the midwives bore Jacob’s children. It was like Rachel was wondering, ‘Does Jacob care about me? I’m the wife he is supposed to love. He worked for fourteen years for me. Don’t you care if I have children?’
Jacob could have prayed that Rachel would give birth, but he didn’t! Jacob was smitten with Rachel’s beauty, consumed with ‘all things Rachel, and was saturated with love for Rachel. She was Jacob’s everything. Rachel was the apple of Jacobs’s eye. Can we imagine what Jacob’s rebuke must have felt like to Rachel, who could do no wrong? Even though Jacob was a tzaddik, accompanied by angels, commanded angels, and wrestled Esau’s guardian angel, did not make him a principled person? Unfortunately, Jacob appears to have encouraged competitiveness among his wives. His cleverness is disappointing.
The struggle and the contrast between Leah and Rachel can apply to any of us. Jacob was the Righteous man smitten by one situation or another. Some of us are greatly preferred, and others of us are rejected. We experience Leah, Rachel, and Jacob’s Spiritual conflicts. Sometimes we may go too far in pursuing what we think is right. Sometimes we pay a high price for what we want. Our aggressive behaviors may get the best of us occasionally. Still, God Willing, we will learn the positive righteous influence of Ha Torah, which will help us keep our attitudes in check. Our goal has been to show that marriage is complicated and hopefully not as complex as Jacob’s four marriages. Perhaps we could learn from Jacob’s plusses and minuses and benefit from them.
Those in a marital relationship MUST learn how to curtail and control their anger. The key ingredients in any relationship are loving kindness, compassion, patience, understanding, and self-control. Parents are always teachers! One must share time with their mate, children, and relatives.
There are many unanswered questions About the success and failure of finding one’s soulmate. I wish you well and ask The Lord to Bless you in finding your soulmate and to be eternally happy. For those who have found their soulmate be thankful. Please Bless The Lord! Whenever possible, reach out to those who are searching for their soulmate. Encourage them. Please help them. We each remember what it was like when we searched for our soulmate.
Dear Ones, may this coming Sabbath and every Sabbath be a blessed Day. May we also have a wonderful time counting the Omer.
Good Sabbath!
Dr. Akiva Gamliel Belk
